The family culture in which a narcissist thrives is not one in which interpersonal boundaries are typically used. Boundaries defy the narcissist’s sense of entitlement.  Because boundaries feel like rejection to the narcissist, in setting them you become the villain. You “make” him or her feel bad. However, to know who you are you must have boundaries. Boundaries define you like walls define a building, borders define property, or skin defines where the body ends. Having a family member who is a narcissist is particularly delicate because you may love him or her and don’t want to trigger pain. Therefore, a pattern of giving in to the seemingly inevitable develops, and your sense of self, as you capitulate to narcissist’s needs repeatedly, becomes lost. It’s hard to process the dissonance between taking care of yourself and wanting to still feel like a good person when taking care of yourself goes against family norms.

Despite this, self-care is your responsibility; this includes teaching others how to treat you. If you don’t, most likely no one else will either. In fact, boundaries send a message that you are an inherently valuable as a human being. By not setting them, you are teaching the narcissist and others not to value you.  It is important that you hold dear this wonderful gift of your life and not let the narcissistic family member, or anyone else, abuse you psychologically, mentally, or emotionally, as narcissists are inclined to do. But, if in your family, boundaries were not well modeled, they do not come naturally, or at least not without guilt and shame.

How to set boundaries

1. The first line of defense is saying “no”. Saying “no” is a rule of thumb safe-person test. If someone can easily accept “no” for an answer, he or she is probably emotionally safe. When feeling an inclination to respond positively to a request, you might want to check within yourself to determine if you really want to accede to the request or are just capitulating in order to not rock the boat with the narcissist. Are you doing it to people please, or you do you anticipate a positive outcome for you?

A narcissist’s first reaction to receiving a “no” from their request may be severe, especially if they are used to getting a “yes”. A narcissist tends to believe that “no” is rejection of them as a person, not just of their request. It feels personal, and they do not interpret it as someone just trying to take care of him or herself. It helps if you follow this format when saying “no” to a narcissist:

• Assure the narcissist that you care about him or her
• Articulate some variation of “no”.
• Inform the narcissist that if they accept your “no”, and thereby respect your boundaries, then you may be more open to the next request because you are less likely to put up walls.

2. Limit your communication. Information is power and if your narcissistic family member has used personal information against you in the past it is only self-preservation to stop giving him or her information. Operate on a need-to-know-only basis. Develop good filters. Just because someone asks you, does not mean you have to tell them. You could say, “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that.” You don’t have to give a reason because a narcissist will be inclined to argue with your reasoning.

3. If the two communication strategies above don’t work, you may need to institute a time out. First, gently inform the narcissistic family member that for you to feel better about your relationship with him or her, you must take a time-out. Add, if your boundaries are respected, the duration of the time-out will probably be shorter. Start small, for example no face-to-face time. If that boundary is not respected or the backlash is serious, add more boundaries, one-by-one, such as no phone calls., texts, or social media access to you, etc. Again, there may be a backlash, but if you have successfully blocked their access to you, that backlash cannot intimidate you or manipulate you with a guilt-trip into letting your guard down. In this case, ignorance is bliss.

However, you should be aware that your narcissistic family member may lash out by trying to undermine your relationship with other family members or friends in order to engage you, or to get revenge. It is important to ignore this and not get entangled in a drama designed to throw you of your resolve. Those friends and family members who know and value you will eventually come around again if you don’t take the drama bait. If you do, it just makes you look ugly too.

There are circumstances in which a full time-out from the narcissist(s) is called for from the onset. If you decide that your well-being requires this measure, write a letter informing the narcissist(s) in your family of your intention to initiate a time-out.

• Start with telling them that you love them.
• Inform them what the time-out will look like.
• Tell them which of their behaviors you feel like you need a time-out from for a while
• Request that they respect the terms of the time-out.

Again, remind them that the time-out is your effort to protect yourself, a wall behind which you are gathering your equilibrium and strength, and the more they respect it, the sooner you will know when it is time to come out from behind the wall. There is peace for you in being empowered to be the one to decide when the time-out is over. Assure the narcissistic family member that you are not just writing him or her off, that you are doing this in hopes of a reconciliation and a future relationship in which your needs are considered as well.

4. If none of the above is respected the last, most drastic step is a geographical relocation. You may need to move, change jobs, change your social circle, or change your contact information. But geographical relocation should only an option if the narcissist(s) refuse to respect any boundaries and are significantly disruptive to your life. Geographical relocation is a last resort because change of any kind can be stressful.

Obviously, these methods can only be used if you no longer live with the narcissistic family member. Even so, it is hard to set boundaries with narcissistic family members because you love them, though you may suffer from their behavior choices.

Setting boundaries is a form of behavior modification training. You may need professional help if setting boundaries with others is disturbing to you, thus triggering guilt, shame, the rescue response, or misplaced feelings of responsibility. Or, you may start to miss them and grieve over the loss. After all, no one is all bad and you really love them. Tina Turner once asked in a song, “What’s love got to do with it?” And if loving the family member means not loving yourself, ultimately you must ask yourself the question, “Is the trade-off worth it?”