Narcissism is not an on-off condition; it is not “either you have it or you don’t.” It is a continuum. Some degree of narcissism is normal, even healthy.  Narcissism helps us survive. However, when the level of narcissism meets the criteria for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is pathologically unhealthy. To make this blog more reader friendly, when the term “narcissist” is used it refers to an individual meeting the threshold for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It does not refer to healthy narcissism that aids us in self care, protecting ourselves, and pursuing goals.

In doing research for this blog I discovered that that there are typically three types of articles written about narcissism. The most common seems to be those people who were damaged in a relationship with a narcissist. These venting articles are filled with pain and bitterness, understandably because narcissists leave a wide swath of damage in their wake. There are also scholarly articles based on scientific research identifying the underlying biological or psychological causes of narcissism e.g. brain studies showing that narcissists’ brains do not respond with empathy in the same way the brains of non-NPD people. The third type of article on narcissism is apologetic in nature, asking for understanding because the narcissist cannot help how his/her brain developed. While this is true, letting one’s guard with a narcissist down while attempting to understand, to approach with compassion instead, is ill advised when the ties are close.

I am writing this blog because I have worked with countless clients over the years who have suffered in relationships with narcissists. I strive for objectivity in this cautionary article. It is not written to condemn, only warn, though the traits described may sound very condemning. To sugar-coat the facts only makes victims more vulnerable.

When I was a child I read a story about an old schoolmarm that saw a bruised, broken, near death snake on the side of the footpath. She lovingly took the creature home, gave it her bed, made it soup and nursed it night and day back to health.  When it was robust again, it bit her. She looked at it, shocked, and cried, “Why did you do that after I sacrificed so much to save your life?” The snake replied, “Lady, you knew I was a snake when you took me in!”

Do not take this metaphor too literally; people are not snakes, not even narcissists. All people have inestimable value and inherent dignity. But, as a metaphor, it acknowledges that people with strong narcissistic tendencies are just not good in relationships. Not everyone is emotionally safe, so it is important to be able to recognize narcissistic patterns. Following are some themes of narcissistic behavior.

Traits of a narcissist

• Exploitative: The narcissist sees other people as cut-out figures on their story board. Others’ value is determined by how those figures will play a role in the narcissist’s life to help the narcissist obtain desired goals rather than as valuable humans in their own right with their own needs and desires. Others’ value is based on the criteria of “What have you done for me lately” or, more pointedly “How you can prove useful to me in the future.”

Because reality is fluid to a narcissist, and others are merely tools to achieving their desired end, the narcissist will shamelessly maneuver the unsuspecting into giving them what they want, be it financial help, material possessions, a free vacation, use of a car, meals, allegiance, cleaning their house, protection or anything else imaginable.

• Manipulative: At minimum they are ingenious hinters. They are willing to cross conventional lines of social boundaries to get what they want. For example, they are not above alienating affections within families to gain preference of certain family members, or not above getting someone else to take the fall for their behavior. Think of con man or professional actor.

 Narcissists are skilled at getting others to do their will because they develop an uncanny ability to mimic; mimic love, mimic empathy, mimic altruism, mimic generosity, mimic interest in or concern for others. Once others become enamored with the narcissist’s esteem and attention, they become more malleable to the narcissist’s will.

The most dangerous aspect of being in a relationship with a narcissist is that, because they can be so beguiling, it is easy to get caught up in their narcissistic delusion of entitlement. Their charm and showmanship incline people to favor them. But, once you are snagged, in order to get along with them, long term, one must accept that their entitled sense of reality is correct, i.e. they do deserve what they want, otherwise they are the “victim.”

• Deceptive: The end justifies the means. Somehow they are able to convince themselves that their behavior it wasn’t exactly cheating, stealing, or a lie. For example, they can find a way to justify bilking an elderly parent out a significant sum of money by telling themselves that it was owed to them somehow, though it never was. They reframe the deception, bending and twisting facts, even to themselves, to show themselves in a better light, and they believe their own deception wholeheartedly and become indignant when called on it. When confronted about their deception, in their mind, they are the victim.

• Exempt from rules: In the mind of a narcissist, rules, laws, customs, norms do not apply to them. They are always a “special case”, the exception. This grandiose thinking is one of the diagnostic criterions for NPD.  An example is a physically healthy adult narcissist who visits mom on Mother’s Day and brings dirty laundry for mom to wash.  Or smoking in a non-smoking area or environment. Or avoiding responsibilities while enjoying those same responsibilities being performed for them. (For example, not contributing in a meaningful way to family get-togethers, but always attending to reap the benefits.) While each of these is a small red flag alone, a consistent pattern of self-exemption from the norm of give and take, of considering others, indicates you are probably dealing with a narcissist. The narcissists’ skewed sense of superiority upholds the mindset that rules and norms don’t apply to them; rules and norms are for the less especial.

• Grandiose entitlement: Their self-perceived superiority entitles them to the best. The best job, home, attire, restaurants, vacation destinations, car, the most prestigious friends, neighborhoods, and schools. Evidence to themselves of their self-perceived superiority may be their appearance, achievements, intelligence, or status. They prioritize attainment of that evidence of superiority above all else. Get in their way of that attainment at your own peril.  But, their ambition is not the problem. The problem is that successes prove to them their higher inherent worth, justifying treating others less humanely. They often attribute other’s jealousy to relationship difficulties since, in their mind, they are superior.

• Poor reciprocity in relationships: A one-way street of all take and no give is a hallmark of relationships with narcissists. Or when they do give, it’s when it doesn’t cost them anything such as giving away things they have no use for anymore or giving other people’s things away. In any case, there is always an angle in it for them such as buying loyalty, esteem, or affection. Giving of themselves is unheard of, unless there is an angle in it for them, such as doing it for attention or admiration.

• Poor boundaries: They take liberties that violate boundaries because they do not recognize boundaries. Sensitivity to boundaries is developed over time and requires observing and being concerned with reactions of others to one’s behavior, i.e. empathy. Also, narcissists are driven by their own self-interested agenda and boundaries tend to thwart their will. Small examples are intruding in on and dominating personal conversations or taking over your host’s living space when you are visiting. A more problematic example is the narcissist interfering in his/her child’s marriage relationship or seducing a friend’s partner.

• Poor social discernment: How others are affected by their behavior rarely shows up on the narcissists’ radar, unless that person may later be able to thwart the narcissists’ objectives. On the other hand, they often have a sort of innocence in their obliviousness, and are hurt when called on their inappropriateness. I had a client with a narcissistic adult family member who played subtle S & M games with a young child family member because the child enjoyed this behavior and the narcissist did not see the long-term ramifications of bondage play. Another example might be a narcissist who gives a talk to a bereavement group that highlights her own achievements rather than showing compassion toward fellow sufferers or honoring the deceased. Often there is something off about the narcissists’ social interaction, though they are excellent mimics of appropriate behavior. This behavioral inappropriateness that causes unease in others usually indicates they are pursuing their own agenda, usually for attention, affection, or admiration.

• Selfishness: Self-absorbed, self-interested, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-seeking, self-centered, stingy, egotistical, vain, prideful, and arrogant are all fit adjectives for the narcissistic nature. A grandiose sense of self-importance is one of the diagnostic criteria for NPD.

Again, though the narcissist may be predatory-like in relationships, they do deserve humane treatment, but with firm boundaries. If they cannot get from you what they are looking for, they will move on to someone else. If you set boundaries from the outset of the relationship it is easier to maintain them.  However, if a narcissist has become accustomed to your compliance, it is harder to set and maintain new boundaries because they experience the change in the relationship as shaming and will blame you for hurting them.

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