Experiencing loss is inevitable. Due to the multi-aspect nature of our instinct to survive, our subconscious will not let us fully acknowledge that we too will certainly face the tragedy of losing a loved one. Death is a part of life. Every living thing will die someday, ourselves and our loved ones included. But knowing that does not make it any easier to accept.
The grief reaction to loss is wired into us. However, Rando (1993) describes mourning as not only grief, but also the mourner’s self-adjusting to the new reality of life without the loved one in order to cope with the loss. It is an ongoing process.
Therese Rando and Roger Solomon collaborated in their article, Utilization of EMDR in the Treatment of Grief and Mourning (Solomon & Rando, 2007) to develop an EMDR treatment for healthy mourning following Rando’s six “R”s of mourning which are:
1. Recognize the loss: In this stage the mourner must recognize that the death has occurred and what that means. This is opposite to Kubler-Ross’s first stage of mourning, denial. The denial stage protects the mourner from the shocking reality of the loss when the mourner is most vulnerable, but to stay in denial is not healthy. One must eventually acknowledge the loss.
2. React to the Separation: in this stage the mourner allows him/herself to experience all the emotions associated with the loss, including secondary losses associated with the death.
3. Recollect and re-experience: In this stage the mourner deliberately remembers by reviewing memories of the relationship and time shared with the deceased, along with the associated feelings.
4. Relinquish old attachments: Going forward knowing that one’s subjective world has changed irrevocably. The love one is gone. The mourner’s life will not return to what it was before the loss.
5. Readjust: A new relationship to the deceased develops without forgetting the old. The pain lessens. The mourner adopts a new self-perception, one without the deceased. There is a new normal.
6. Reinvest: The mourner reenters into the world, putting energy into new relationships and goals with acceptance of what was lost.
Greif is difficult at best and many seek help to process it be it in bereavement groups, cognitive-behavioral therapy, faith-based counseling or other means. Though processing the loss of a loved one with EMDR is not necessarily the first solution that comes to mind, EMDR is nevertheless is an effective form of grief therapy. Like in any other EMDR protocol, grief therapy with EMDR sets specific grief-related targets. Solomon & Rando (2007) delineate specific EMDR applications to each of Rando’s six “R”s of mourning and they are as follows:
Recognizing the loss with EMDR:
The interfering effects of trauma associated with circumstances of the loss of the loved one can prevent the mourner from being able to process the loss. For example, was the loved one murdered or killed in a tragic accident? Was the deceased a child who passed away unexpectantly? Was there grievous suffering before passing? One can get caught in a loss loop of shock and dissociation and rendered unable to recall memories of the loved one or circumstances contextual to the death, thus becoming unable to complete the six “R”s. So, the trauma surrounding the loss must be addressed before one can acknowledge the loss itself.
Good targets for EMDR to address the trauma would be the moment that triggered the initial shock, i.e. hearing about the loss for the first time, witnessing the death, or the present triggers that induce pain of the loss. It is also helpful to set a future target, thus establishing a coping response to future stimuli. As described in previous blog, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Treatment for the Trauma Affected Brain, (Reiter, 2018), EMDR targets are generally comprised of four components:
1. The negative perception of oneself, (“I am helpless”, “I am vulnerable”, “I am in danger”, “I have no control”, etc.)
2. Disturbing emotions, (fear, horror, guilt, hurt, anger, etc.)
3. The felt experience of those emotions in one’s body, (lump in throat, nausea, tight muscles, a heaviness in the chest, etc.)
4. Some element of the five senses, (image, sound, taste, smell, or tactile sensation) In this case it could be funeral or accident images, the sound of screams or moaning, or medicinal smells.
Once traumatic moments surrounding the loss are processed, one is able to deal with the reality and recognition of the loss and begin the journey of recovery with more adaptive representations of the loss event.
React to the separation with EMDR:
One cannot “wait out” grief. Pain that is not acknowledged and expressed after a tremendous loss remains buried only to resurface when triggered for years or even decades later. Grief does not resolve itself. So it is important to give oneself permission to fully experience grief, to feel the feelings however painful.
One aspect to reacting to the loss is recognizing the secondary losses related to the passing. For example, the realization that one’s mother will never again attend family birthday parties or be the tiebreaker for differences of opinion. All the roles that the deceased filled are now empty. Secondary losses can be targeted as well with EMDR with the goal of developing a more adaptive perspective subsequently. A secondary loss EMDR target might be the image of Mom’s empty seat at the last family celebration, the thought “I’m helpless”, feelings of extreme sadness with a twisting feeling around the heart. The goal after applying Bilateral Stimulation (BLS) would be something like this: seeing the rest of the loved ones around the table, the thought “I’m grateful for the time we had”, feeling content with a relaxed body.
Recollect and re-experience with EMDR:
This “R” involves changing one’s relationship with the deceased as well as with the past schema of one’s life. Solomon & Rando (2007) cite that changing these relationships requires withdrawing “emotional investment from both.” But that can only be done by recalling honest feelings associated with each. Oftentimes there are unresolved disturbances associated with the deceased or past that elicit regret, guilt, anger or hurt. Targeting theses disturbances with EMDR can result in relieving pain and reframing meaning of the disturbing incidents by recognizing the good that prevailed despite the difficulty.

Relinquish old attachments with EMDR:
EMDR therapy can help lessen the intensity of emotional linkage to the deceased and past. It facilitates letting go of the familiar, but now maladaptive, powerful connection to the deceased and the roles the deceased filled in one’s life. New relationships to the deceased and past form, with the more adaptive perspective of “what is past can be no more” while still retaining meaningful memories of each.
Readjust with EMDR:
This readjustment may include adjusting how one sees oneself and one’s role in the world, gaining a new world view, and allowing a new relationship with the deceased to evolve. EMDR targets can include any difficulties adjusting to life without the deceased or the difficulties of an emerging new life perspective necessary due to the loss. Returning to daily life.
Reinvest with EMDR:
Form new relationships and commitments. Moving on and investing one’s energy in a different direction. Using a future target protocol for EMDR, one can overcome anticipated obstacles the difficult aspects of forming relationships and/or commitments by addressing resources or skills needed for success, thus supplying confidence to go forward. EMDR can also be used to overcome difficult memories that prevent the mourner from trying to reinvest in life again.

Though grief is painful, one cannot go around, over or under the grief that follows the loss of a loved one. One has to go through it to arrive at the other side. While EMDR does not replace the mourning process, it does make it easier by removing blockages to that process.

Rando, T.A. (1993). Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Champaign, IL: Research Press.
Reiter, L.J. (2018) Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Treatment for the Trauma Affected Brain. EMDRway.com
Solomon, R.M., & Rando, T.A., (2007). Utilization of EMDR in the Treatment of Grief and Mourning. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 1(2), 109-117